Tuesday, 19 December 2017

Christmas Miscellany

Bad Shot Excuses
It has been my tradition to lighten up my blog content for the Christmas holiday season. In a December 2014 blog, I listed 9 excuses for playing bad golf, which are all too familiar to some of us. Here are two dozen more that you might have heard;

 “I’m not used to my new clubs yet”, or conversely,

“I need some new clubs”

“I’ve just had a lesson”

“I’m having a problem with my back/neck/shoulder/knee/hip/wrist/etc.”

“An insect buzzed me just as I was about to hit my ball”

“I was thinking about the last stroke/hole/round”

“I can’t play when I have to wait before every shot.”

“I can never play well in wet weather.”

“The greens I played on yesterday were much faster/truer and I cannot get used to these.”

“My hands were too cold/wet to grip my clubs properly.”

“I switched from brand-X to brand-Y golf balls and it takes some getting used to.”

“Oh darn! I took out my 9-iron instead of my 6."

“I shouldn’t play on Saturday morning after partying on Friday night.”

“I would have shot __ if only I had not blown up on holes __, __ and __.”

“I lost concentration when I triple bogeyed the 1st hole.”

“I knew that I shouldn’t have left out my 5-iron to put another wedge in the bag.”

“My drives and irons were good, but the greens were impossible to read.”

“The wind took it.”

“I spent too long at the range last night.”

“I could hear players chattering/bird calls/cars/fire engines on my backswing.”

“I need new grips.” 

“I think this must be a lake ball.”

“I was hitting the ball well, I just couldn’t keep it straight.”

“I think that I have been playing too much.”

2018 Local Rule: Modification of Score Card Penalty
The R&A and USGA have recommended that all Committees introduce the following Local Rule commencing 1st January 2018.
The Exception to Rule 6-6d is modified as follows:
Exception: If a competitor returns a score for any hole lower than actually taken due to failure to include one or more penalty strokes that, before returning his score card, he did not know he had incurred, he is not disqualified. In such circumstances, the competitor incurs the penalty prescribed by the applicable Rule, but there is no additional penalty for a breach of Rule 6-6d. This Exception does not apply when the applicable penalty is disqualification from the competition.
So when this Local Rule is introduced, a player will only be penalised one or two strokes (depending on the penalty for the breach incurred), for not including a penalty on their score card, providing they were not aware that they had incurred one. This Local Rule overrides the change to the Exception to Rule 6-6d introduced on 1st January 2016, which penalised a player an additional two strokes for a penalty that was not recorded on their returned score card.

Old But Good Golf Joke
Delighted to have reached his retirement age, a man booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course?"

Christmas Greetings 
2017 was not a good golfing year for me. I have been playing so badly I had to get my ball retriever regripped!

Wishing all my readers, wherever you play your golf, all that you wish for this Christmas season. May your balls always come to rest in green pastures and not in still waters!

Good golfing,

The above content is strictly copyright to Barry Rhodes © 2017 and may not be copied without permission.


Anonymous said...

My favourite excuse was a member of my club who mishit his tee shot and blamed his partner with, "That was your fault; I thought you were going to move."!

James said...

I could write a book with the amount of excuses I hear on the course (myself included) Now the new year is here, time for less excuses and more improvements.